Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Ronin RedFox]

Maybe he does not like to speak. 

[Shroudeye]

I think it means he is the man speaking.

I get that, but why does being on foot when someone is speaking make the speech bad?

Maybe he does not like to speak. 

No, He does not like to STAND.

Spoiler:
See, Mark is the person who will speak, and therefore, STAND up. which means he has to STAND everytime, when he speaks... He tells it to the bartender, which not recognizes him, as if he is talking about another person...

I added a few words, maybe it will clear it up...

[-<WillyP>-]

A speeding driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. May I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one".

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving".

The policeman is shocked. "I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that".

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car".

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner".

At this point the officer is getting stressed. "You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see".

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, would you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Officer?"

The officer responds, "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license". The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner".

The man says, "I bet he told you I was speeding also!"

[-<WillyP>-]

I know you are a dog lover and will help. Our neighbor has lost her puppy
and is desperate to find him.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was
gone. She called out to him and he never responded.
She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs
everywhere in an effort to have him returned.
Thanks for your help.

[-<WillyP>-]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

[-<WillyP>-]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.


My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried  chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders".


Guess where I am now...

[Kaiaatzl]

Lol.

Cruel, but funny.

BTW - Colonel Sanders was a spaceball:

[Matthew]

The one with the burglar was probably the funniest in the whole thread XD

[NUMBERZero]

lol That one is my favorite too!

[Scyphi]

I liked the one with the police officer. Had heard the one with the burglar before.

[-<WillyP>-]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[-<WillyP>-]

Stopped at a red light was a big motorcycle, with big tires and a big engine.
Sitting on top of the bike was a big biker, with big arms, big tattoos and a big beard.

Along came a little old man on a moped.
He stopped beside the big biker and looked over at the big bike.

"Good Lord", he exclaimed "that sure is a BIG bike".

"Sure is", growled the biker.

"I bet it goes pretty fast", commented the old man.

"Sure does", growled the big biker.

"Mind if I take a closer look?", asked the old man.

"Go ahead", replied the biker "just don't touch nothing.

So the old man got his face real close to the bike, the better to see all the big shiny parts. Meanwhile, the light turned green.
The big biker decided to show off a little, and hits the throttle hard, laying a strip of rubber and accelerating to tree-men-dous speed in the blink of an eye.
Looking back in his mirror, the biker was surprised to see the little old man gaining on him fast, so he pinned the throttle...but still, the old man was gaining hard.
Suddenly the old man on the moped flew past the astonished biker like he was sitting still.

"Goddam!", exclaimed the big biker, and before he could do anything else, the old man flew past him in the other direction, going even faster.
"He's riding circles around me!"
Stunned and amazed, the big biker pulled over to consider the situation.

KER-WHAM!

The old man on the moped suddenly drove into the back of the big bike, totally destroying his little moped.
The big biker ran around to the back of his bike, and there was the little old man laying on the ground moaning.

"Holy crap old-timer", he exclaimed "are you alright, can I do anything for you?"

"Sure thing sonny", replied the old man "would you mind unhooking my suspenders from your handlebars?"

[Matthew]

Hah! Saw that one coming

[Foil]

The version I heard involved suspenders caught in a car door...

It's an oldie, but a goodie. 

[TechPro]

AH HAHAHAHA !!  I hadn't heard that one in a loooooong time.  (thanks WillyP).