Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[VANGUARD]

A man was out in the safari when he noticed a Lion was staring right at him. He knew there'd be no way he could outrun the lion. He decided his only way out was to kneel down and pray to the LORD. He said, "Make this lion a Christian."

Sure enough, the lion became a Christian, and prayed as well. "Thank you LORD for the food I am about to receive."

[-<WillyP>-]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."   

"I don't know" replies the man,  "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."

[Matthew]

Anyone keeping track of how many times that one's been posted?

[Kaiaatzl]

At least it's funny enough to be justified

[Scyphi]

Well, with jokes, you ARE kind of supposed to tell them more than once.

[VANGUARD]

there's been a few jokes repeated a few times.

[Scyphi]

And often times inadvertently, so I wouldn't loose much sleep about it.

Also keep in mind that we've amassed over forty pages of jokes now, and I'm personally sure as heck not going to go through all of them each time I want to tell a joke just to make sure it hasn't already been told before. 

Actually, this policy helps in my instance when you consider that I haven't contributed much of any jokes to this thread, but that's beside the point. 

[-<WillyP>-]

I think this one is new:

This older gentleman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He
asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was
sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible" said the first man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the world and not use it?

The Second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in
1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, They're all at the funeral."

[Scyphi]

Perhaps new for the thread, but regrettably, and perhaps ironically as well, I had it told to me earlier this past week already in one of my classes. 

[-<WillyP>-]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

[DarkWing]

MWahh-hah-hah!!

[-<WillyP>-]

[Scyphi]

Ha ha, that's pretty good. There are plenty of times when we all want to say something like that and get away with it. 

[-<WillyP>-]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES....

[-<WillyP>-]

Being Politically Correct...


Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist went to a night Club.


~




The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."