Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Kaiaatzl]

I prefer writing short stories.
Or coming up with plotlines for short stories and then writing them as songs instead because I don't feel like spending a month writing a short story.

Xaihyv and I will be co-writing a novel and coordinating an anthology soon though.
It's about time this thread gets derailed.

[-<WillyP>-]

I once wrote a whole page.

[Scyphi]

I'm currently editing a 290-ish page young-adult novel.

And I've written longer works, actually.

...

What? Just because my first attempts weren't anything to look at, didn't mean I didn't learn from it.

[Sapphirus]

Arrow in Knee disease- a very fatal disease that cause people to quit (such as being an adventurer) and do something else different (such as being a guard)

(for those who don't play Skyrim, you will NEVER get this joke)

[Scyphi]

Actually, whether or not you've played Skyrim shouldn't matter so much. The arrow-in-the-knee joke has really gotten around the interwebs.

[-<WillyP>-]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went
before his congregation to ask for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
 
After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
 
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said.
 
Silence fell on the assembled crowd.  In the back pew, a little old
lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God, too,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the Congregation said, "Amen."

[-<WillyP>-]

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til Thursday."

[-<WillyP>-]

A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[-<WillyP>-]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow. He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. (that would be ' North Dakota ' for you non - Scandahoovians).
 
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs her teat and pulls ... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does squirt out however, so after some discussion Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches down, pulls her teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is so surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. "Yah, dats right ......... But how did you know?"
 
"My wife's from Nordakota."

[Matthew]

The santa one XD

Raise your hand if you read the farmer one in the most minnesOta accent you could muster o/

[VANGUARD]

I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.

[Matthew]

I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.

The preacher thought he meant hearing as in the things on the side of your head. What he actually meant was a hearing as in a legal proceeding.

[Foil]

Yah, ah read da farmer jOke in da mOst MinnesOtan accent I could. 

[VANGUARD]

I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.

The preacher thought he meant hearing as in the things on the side of your head. What he actually meant was a hearing as in a legal proceeding.

that kind of hearing. thanks.

[Matthew]

Yah, ah read da farmer jOke in da mOst MinnesOtan accent I could. 

Dontchaknow!