Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Scyphi]

@ Vanguard: just to confirm, no I have never had a sig like that, nor do I ever recall seeing it.

On another note, have you EVER had a sig, IHateHackers? Because now that I think about it, I don't think you ever had.

[Matthew]

I may have had one on the old PD, but I generally don't bother with sigs for most forums. I can probably count on one hand how many sigs I have of all the forums I use.

[VANGUARD]

I think this is the only forum I have a signature.

Mac Forums: nothing
Mandriva: Avatar (Mandriva penguin)
Penumbra: Avatar (Vanguard name in red; black background, same as I had on here)
Planet Descent: Avatar, profile; signature

i think that's it. Each avatar is different. All the same username though, Vanguard.


The other signature I remembered went something like,

"Online; men are men, women are men, and the children are the F.B.I."

[SaladBadger]

Most forums I go onto don't enable sigs at all, but places like here, I typically just use a silly quote from a videogame or something I've read

[-<WillyP>-]

.

[VANGUARD]

saw that coming.

I have the internet at my house; will paste that joke later tonight; unless I forget of course.

[-<WillyP>-]

.

[-<WillyP>-]

.

[VANGUARD]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[-<WillyP>-]

lol, good one, Van!

This old guy had his dream home in Florida, fruit trees, pond etc.
One day he was going to gather some fruit down by his pond with a 5 gal bucket, when he heard the laughter of what seemed to be girls down by his pond. As he got closer, he noticed that they were skinny-dipping.

One of the girls noticed him, and they all went to a deeper part of the pond. One of the girls yelled "We are not getting out of here until you leave!"

The old man replied, holding up the bucket: "I did not come down here to see you dipping or to watch you get out. I came down to feed the gators!!"

[-<WillyP>-]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and he ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[-<WillyP>-]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[VANGUARD]

all three were good. first one can be a bit deceitful

[Scyphi]

Of course, religiously speaking, I'm sure if the Lord Almighty wanted to cause another Noah and the flood, the world's government sure as heck isn't going to stop him.

[VANGUARD]

true, but still funny; in relations to the joke; that the government already destroyed the world.