Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Shroudeye]

An airliner was preparing for takeoff. The passengers have been boarded and seated, and were awaiting the pilots. Soon the pilots arrive, but to passenger's suprise, both pilots were blind...

The passengers thought that it was a prank, as the blind pilots entered the cabin. Then the airliner started taxiing to the runway, and stopped... And suddenly, the jet was running down the runway.

At first everyone onboard hold their breath, but as the end of the runway came closer, terror spread across everyone in the cabin. Everyone yelled in panic, as the pilots pulled the lever hard, and the plane lifted off, meters before the runway's end.

One of the pilots, sighing, said to the other:
-I thought they would never scream!!!

[Shroudeye]

A new priest was preparing for his very first mass, so he was nervous. The older priest sees that and hands him a small bottle of wine:
-Here have a glass of this and relax, my son!

Young priest thanks the father, takes the bottle, and takes a glass, then a second, third... and he finishes all the bottle. Then he heads for the mass.

After the mass, he anxiously asks the father:
-Father, how was my mass?
The Father replies:
-Well son, it was okay but you have to take care of three things:
First, walk down the stairs when landing from the booth, do not slide down the railings.
Second, You have to make the audience say "Amen", not "Hurrah",
And last, Jesus Christ is son of Our Lord, NOT "Someone's ..." !!!

----------
A warship was travelling at a foggy night. Suddenly, a bright light appears dead ahead, seem to be moving toeards them.

Commander signals the unknown lightsource:

-Unknown Vessel, Change your heading 30 degrees east.

A reply returns immediately:

-We can't, change your heading to 30 degrees west.

Commander, annoyed, repeats the call:

-Change your heading 30 degrees east immediately, that is an ORDER.

-No, YOU are to change your heading 30 degrees WEST.

Commander, now frustrated, orders forward batteries to ready weapons. Then he announces:

-This is warship ButtHead, We order you to change your heading 30 degrees east, or BE DESTROYED.

-This is Lighthouse DickHead. Change your course or you are going to hit the rocks!!

:D:D:D

[VANGUARD]

nice. heard the third one before, little differently though.

they go back and forth, no you change, no you. one is saying they're a very special type ship, and the other must obey. so that's when the other says "we're a lighthouse. your turn."

[TechPro]

One fine sunny day in the fields, the cows were going about their daily business (eating, chewing the cud, etc.).  A few bulls were also there enjoying the day roaming around and eating the fine green grass of the field.  Suddenly the earth shook with the effect of a fierce nearby earthquake.  As the ground shook, the cows shook, wobbled, staggered, and fell down to the ground from the shaking of the earthquake.

As the earthquake ceased and calm returned, the cows looked up to see that all the bulls were still standing.  Not a single bull had fallen down.  Curious how this could be, the cows asked the bulls "Why are you still standing?  That earthquake made us all fall down."

Said the bulls, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down..."

[Shroudeye]

Another 'Bully' joke:

At a good, clear afternoon, three bulls were "talking":

The eldest bull: "I heard that a new bull was coming to our farm. I have the half of the cows as my mate, If he tries to have them, he must pass ME first."

The middle-aged bull: "I got the one-third of all the cows, and I ain't givin' any of em!"

The teenage bull: "I have just a few cows myself..." but his words cut by the other two's laughter. At that time, they see the truck that brought the new bull. They watch curiously as the farmers open the crate-from which, a super-angry, muscular bull emerges.

The eldest bull: "Umm I think I can spare half of the cows that I mate..."

The mid-aged bull: "I can spare two-thirds of what I got..."

The teenage bull starts to kick the ground in display of rage: "I don't care about what he gets, as long as HE KNOWS THAT I AM A BULL!!!!"

[Shroudeye]

Well, something I found on the net...

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the man. 'Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'

'I noticed a bible in your pocket. Are you a Republican,' asked the journalist.

'Yes, and I'm a Christian on my way to a bible study,' the man replies.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed... I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page: "Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."

[VANGUARD]

nice one. friend of mine told me that a little while back.

There was another, although it may have been on here, and I told him. I can't remember.

[-<WillyP>-]

Good, one and too true at that.

[Shroudeye]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Kaiaatzl]

Good one.

[Shroudeye]

*puffs the dust over the thread* New military joke!

An idle guy was sitting in a corner at the SomewhereTown's bar. A famous Captain enters the bar, and everyone except this guy stands up and salutes him. Noticing that, the captain marches to this guy's table, halting almost on top of him like a giant, orders:

-You! Why haven't you stood up?

Our idler, slowly turns and faces the Captain, responds in a "drunken" voice:

-Why should I?
Captain, frustrated:
-Don't you know who am I?! I am Captain Whatsitname!!
Idler returns and asks:
-So what will you be when you promote?
Captain, puzzled:
-I'll be a Commodore.
-After then?
-Admiral.
-Then?
-Fleet Admiral.
-Then?
-I'll retire.
-And then?
-Nothing?!
-See? I already outrank you by now!

[Matthew]

  Very clever.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[Scyphi]

*snickers*

[VANGUARD]

there was one on here that someone told me that I thought was funny. It had to do with someone walking into a bar and says "drinks for everyone, even the bartender." after doing it a few times, the bartender says pay up or you're out. I think he says he hasn't got the money, so the bartender boots him out of the bar.
guy comes back in. 'drinks for everyone but not the bartender. he gets angry/cranky after too many drinks."

[VANGUARD]

here's a joke. get ready.......here it is. and the joke is...

"me"

funny, isn't it?