Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[d3jake]

<N00b>Can someone explain cell division?
<Nerd> o
<Nerd> 0
<Nerd> 8
<Nerd> oo

[NUMBERZero]

NICE

[Kaiaatzl]

Heh, good one.

[-<WillyP>-]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

President Obama arrives to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .  The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.  The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.     
I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into  a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my pecker ", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of  people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
 
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped and i admire that.
But you have sinned and you have to atone for those sins.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[VANGUARD]

very nice jokes. Loved #2, saw #3 coming. 4 and 5 were also great. #6 is quite funny and clever.

[Kaiaatzl]

A well known proverb states that an optimist would say that a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty.  What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than it would be if the opposition were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.  (This is probably a poke at the Canadian government for doing away with the mandatory long-form Canadian census, which angered a lot of people for some reason, so don't worry if you don't get it.)

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask you, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this glass is divided into two equal parts, one a colourless, odourless liquid, the other a colourless, odourless gas.  Thus the glass is neither half full nor half empty.  Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with gas, one with liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

Feel free to add your own!  I'd like to see what everyone can come up with.

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GOOD OLD DAYS

When I was a boy, Momma would send me down to the corner store with $1, and I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs.  You can't do that now.  Too many darn security cameras.

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Two lawyers arrive at the bar and order a couple of drinks.  They then take sandwitches from their briefcases and began to eat.  Seeing this, the angry bartender approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat our own sandwitches in here!"
The two lawyers look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwitches.

[NUMBERZero]

JESUS would say about the glass: Ahhhhhh, but consider the lily.

Confucious said in one of his wise proverbs that "when you stand on toilet, you high on pot."

[VANGUARD]

or my personal half emtpy/full glass joke. "The glass is half empty, so fill it up "

[Kaiaatzl]

Hey!  I ordered a cheeseburger!  (Who hasn't heard that one).  You might not know it was probably invented by Garry Larson for The Far Side.

[-<WillyP>-]

Say what?

[NUMBERZero]

roflwut?

[Foil]

Hey!  I ordered a cheeseburger!  (Who hasn't heard that one).

<raises hand>  Haven't heard it.

Mind telling it? 

[Kaiaatzl]

Okay here:

The four basic personality types (click to make it a readable size):

[Foil]

Ah, got it. 

[Foil]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:  "Hello"

WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:  "Yes."

WOMAN:  "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked."

MAN:  "How much?"

WOMAN:  "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.  I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"