Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Matthew]

OOOOOOOOH. I didn't quite make the verbal connection there

[Foil]

I loved the "Long Story". 

[TechPro]

This one is too long for one post, but it's really good... so it's posted on my blog instead: Lost in the Desert

That one is remarkably similar to a "Salesman and a dancing bunny" story that has been told in my family since I was around 8 or 9 (about 39 years ago).  Ends with almost exactly the same punch line, takes place in the Old West, and is as long as the story teller wants (he/she inputs stuff in the story according to whim, mostly to lengthen the story).  Involves Nate the Snake (who talks), a lever that is able to stop the world, and a semi-truck instead of an RV.   

[Scyphi]

Yeah, I was completely flabbergasted when I realized that was the same story. Techpro's been telling it to us kids every now and then (usually on camp-outs) for years. It has never gotten old. His version is much shorter and more humorous though.

I must admit I like your version even better though, WillyP, as it's more thought out, more logical, and feels more like a short story than a joke. In fact, that end pun almost ruins it all, because it was actually building up a fair amount of emotion towards the end, none of it of the humorous sort.

Ah well, just goes to show you that it's a small world after all.

[Kaiaatzl]

It felt the same way for me.  Like an epic dream that ends when the climax is only half done (I get a lot of those).

[-<WillyP>-]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...


''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[-<WillyP>-]

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
            "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,  And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
 
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
  "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms.  Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which
story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms.  Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.  But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot
 
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.  My mom is a good cook."
  
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

[Canceler]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

you forgot the part where the horse says "my son was just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis"



Hellen Keller had a dog, but it ran away. Trust me, you would run away too if your name was mwmaeuawuae.

[-<WillyP>-]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
 
''Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!   By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to California and get another one?'

[Matthew]

Hahaha, that was a good one!

[-<WillyP>-]

I've always wondered why you only see No.2 pencils...  This may be the reason:

[NUMBERZero]

I emailed the bear one to everyone!

[Matthew]

.... Wut

[Scyphi]

I like the no. 12 pencil.

In reality, though, the number's on a pencil typically refers to the hardness of the graphite it contains. The softer the graphic, the darker the markings it makes. As far as I can figure out, no. 1 is the softest, so no. 2 would be the  second softest. Typically you don't need such varying versions of graphic for things like simple writing, though, hence why you usually only see no. 2 pencils (why no. 2 specifically, I don't know). The other types are used more for artistic purposes (the harder graphite is good for sketching, because it leaves so much lighter marks) however these days pencils built specifically for art use do not use the number system but a different identification system, probably because art pencils use a wider range of graphite hardness than standard pencils.

So anyway...now you know.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

[TechPro]

You know, I kinda like that no. 12 too.