Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Foil]

Took me half a moment, but that one had me laughing harder than all the others. 

[Kaiaatzl]

Gander NLFP (CP) CANADA'S WORST AIR DISASTER occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater airplane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

AHhahahahahahahhaahahha....

[Matthew]

I must be missing something, that one didn't make me laugh all that much... 

[Ronin RedFox]

A *two* seater airplane crashed into a *cemetery*. So they had search and rescue workers digging around the plane for survivors, and they found *826* bodies.

Now get it? It made me facepalm then laugh.

[Kaiaatzl]

I got it right away somehow.

[Matthew]

That's pretty much what I got from it. I guess I just didn't think it was as funny as you guys did.

[-<WillyP>-]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Bob?"


 A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


 A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you."
 The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy."

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!"
The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street.
 The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago."
The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."


 Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself too."
 Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender.
He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third."
The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street.
 A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. You get nasty when you're drunk."
 

 Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.
The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?"
 Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck".
Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

 
 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

 
 A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50.
The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60.
 Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
 The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."
 
 
A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said "I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog."
The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"


A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
      "How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
      "No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
 
So the bartender gives him the two drinks.  He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass.  This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.

One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
      "Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
      "No.  My doctor told me to stop drinking."
 
 
     Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
 
 
A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and into Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a
     double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
     this with what I've got."
 
     The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
     "Two nickles and a dime" said the patient.
 
 

     Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?
 
 
     A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
 
 
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

     Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar.


A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

     The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

     The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

     The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

     The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

     The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
     MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

     With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

     The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

     The bartender, puzzled, said no.

     The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
 
 
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

     The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,
     goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

     The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
 

A chicken walks into a bar.
     The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
     The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
 
 
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
     Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
     "May I please have a drink?"
     "What? You have to speak up!"
     "Could I please have a drink?"
     "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
     "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
 
 
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
     "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
 
 
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
     The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
     "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
     "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
 
 
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal
     looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
 
 

This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door.
 Bar tender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.

     A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again.
 The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
 
 
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
     Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
 
 
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
 

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
     One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
     The other says 'Are you sure?'
     The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
     One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

[-<WillyP>-]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  ‘I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.  Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,’ he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn.  He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[TechPro]

Like that one. 

[Scyphi]

I'm wondering how many people got the Descartes bar joke (because I did).

Also liked the dog bar joke, though it took me a split second to make the connection.

All of those bar jokes reminded me of one I heard some years ago:

There was this bar that was positioned at the top of a tall skyscraper, with a pretty view of the city skyline. At the moment, there were two patrons at the bar, and the bartender, who was standing nearby, within hearing range. The two patrons had had a few drinks and were getting rather drunk.

Then, one turned to the other and said, "You know, if I jump out that window, I'll betcha I'll fly."

The other guy refused to believe it. "Nuh-uh! Betcha you can't!"

So, to prove it, the first man jumped out the window of this bar on the top floor of the skyscraper, and true to his word, he flew around for a little bit before he returned to the bar.

"Wow!" said the other guy, impressed, "Well, if you can do it, so can I!"

So he goes and jumps out the window, but he doesn't fly, and falls to his death.

At this point, the bartender having heard and seen all of this turns to the first guy and remarks, "you know, you're mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[Kaiaatzl]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

I have heard many different forms of this joke.

I have another bar joke but I'll need to find the book first...

[-<WillyP>-]

This one is too long for one post, but it's really good... so it's posted on my blog instead: Lost in the Desert

[-<WillyP>-]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway..  But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.  The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.  The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up.  So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.  Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good…Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."  He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.  Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call...
"How's the problem with those drivers.  Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.  I've got to go.  I'm very busy."  He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.  It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

[Matthew]

Please explain the dog and descartes joke...

The lawyer one was awesome

[-<WillyP>-]

Perhaps this will help with Descartes

As far as the dog, I guess you need some familiarity with the Western movie meme of someone looking for the man who shot his pa.