Topic: How to deal with telemarketers

[Kaiaatzl]

Everyone hates a telemarketer... that is everyone who doesn't know how to play with them.
Post funny things you've done to telemarketers, or things you wish you could do.

#1: Availability
If they ask whether so-and-so is available, tell them you'll go check with so-and-so whether he wants to be available.
Telemarketer: "Is Justin Hrella available?"
You: "Hang on, I'll go ask him if he's available."
"No he is not available."

#2: Shoulda been a door-to-door salesguy
Tell them this joke and then immediately hang up:
You: "Knock knock"
Telemarketer: "Sigh... Who's there"
You: "Not you"

#3: Good listening skills
Tell them that you're listening to them, but continually interrupt them to tell bad jokes.  Bonus points if the jokes are about telemarketers.  If no one but the telemarketer can hear you, laugh wildly at the jokes.

#4: I'm outta here!
Tell the telemarketer that your reception is bad because you're breaking out of [insert name of a high-security prison here] and if they'd just call you back in ten minutes you should be done by then.  Be impeccably polite about it.

#5: Something deadly that way goes
Interrupt them, shouting: "OHMYGOD LOOK BEHIND YOU!" and then immediately hang up.

#6: Nothing is perfect
Ask them a completely arbitrary question about the product they're selling after every sentence, and insist that they answer it.
Telemarketer selling a deodorant:
You: "But why would a mouse need it?"
Telemarketer selling an air freshener:
You: "Why should I put that in my fishtank?"
If they tell you that a mouse wouldn't need a deodorant, or you shouldn't put air freshener in your fishtank, respond with a hmph and "Well I won't buy it if it's not perfect".

#7: The customer is always right
When the telemarketer describes the product she's selling, insist that they're wrong and the product is something else.
You: "Nonononono, Reader's Digest isn't a magazine!  It's the flour they use to bake bread in libraries!"
The more ridiculous the better.  After all, the customer is always right.

#8: Stopped in his tracks!
During the telemarketer's monologue, tell him to wait, wait a few seconds after he stops talking, and then just cheerily say "goodbye" and hang up.

#9: Deadline
Greet the telemarketer in the normal way, then put the phone down and leave the room, but don't hang up.  Alternatively, stay in the room and see how long it takes the telemarketer to notice you're no longer there.

#10: Worst wrong number ever
Wait for the telemarketer to describe what he's selling, then tell them that they're actually talking to a well known group of people strongly opposed to that product.
You: "Hello"
Telemarketer starts advertising beer
You: "Sir, this is Alcoholics Anonymous."
A variant would be to pretend to be incredibly offended by the product they're selling.

#11 Bonus!  Cell-phone physics: http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?action=mgallery;sa=item;id=508
Get the telemarketer to hang up on you.

[Shroudeye]

At least in here, those telemarketers politely notify you before they call you... So you got the option to never answer them. And they never call you back.

And there aren't that much of them.

[Ronin RedFox]

You could also try to sell them your own made up product. Or just grab a recording of another telemarketer and just stream it through the phone. Either one would work.

[Kaiaatzl]

That was the one I forgot!  Lol.

[VANGUARD]

sort of did #1, not really actually. #10 sounds nice.
Someone from Wells Fargo asked who I was, and for whatever reason, I said I was someone else. That wasn't telemarketing though. I RARELY get those, and now, I just don't answer the phone if I don't recognize the number.

[Bettina]

The telemarketers I get are mostly voicebots from credit card companies and banks trying to sell me something. I don't usually get a real time human. In any event we have our phone's answering machine pick up on the first ring and I go through them at the end of the day.

Anything important comes to my cell.

Bee

[Kaiaatzl]

At least in here, those telemarketers politely notify you before they call you... So you got the option to never answer them. And they never call you back.

And there aren't that much of them.

:Green with envy:

And #1 was based on something I did when a telemarketer called and asked for my dad a few years ago.  #10 would probably be the most fun, if you could do it.  About half of these are made up by me and the other half are Xaihyv's.
Well, a couple more:
#12: Marketing Duel!
Try to sell the telemarketer something.  Bonus points if it's something you made up or doesn't actually exist.
(By Darcshadow)

#13: Answer with wierd
If the telemarkter asks you a question, respond with something almost completely irrelevant and silly, and then ask them a question that has almost no relation to your statement.
Telemarketer: "So, how about it, do you want the nature magazine?"
You: "I was born a weasel.  What kind of animal was your father?"

Telemarketer: "So, how about it, do you want to get the sunblock?"
You: "I've been on fire for the past twenty years.  How's your tan coming?"
Use schitzophrenia logic (I can't remember the actual word for that kind of logic).

#14: Accent time
If you get plenty of chances to talk, halfway through start speaking in the strangest accent you can manage, and just keep doing it for the rest of the call.  Of course what accent it is depends on where you are.
(This is something Klixovann allegedly did during a phone survey).

#15: Hang up on yourself
Try to lure the telemarketer into a conversation, then hang up while you're talking.  For bonus marks, make it sound like you want to buy the product, then hang up on yourself just before you'd say 'yes'.
(By Xaihyv)

@Bettina:
You're lucky then.  Because of the nature of my mom's job we have to take calls even if we don't recognize the number, and we have relatives and family friends all over Canada so we get lots of long distance calls, and it can be near impossible to remember all the numbers.

[VANGUARD]

The telemarketers I get are mostly voicebots from credit card companies and banks trying to sell me something. I don't usually get a real time human. In any event we have our phone's answering machine pick up on the first ring and I go through them at the end of the day.

Anything important comes to my cell.

Bee

not too long ago, someone called my cell, but never answered. I don't know if you can get any number too private. even a brand new number, not telling  a soul what the number is, not calling a single person (which would raise a question why you have it), and I'm sure you will still get something.
sad isn't it? Be nice to have them enter additional numbers to verify they're legit, and a P.I.N. that you'd only give out to trusted people.
that may get annoying though.

[Scyphi]

not too long ago, someone called my cell, but never answered

This is kind of off topic, but that reminds me of a true story I heard once on the radio where a wife and her husband were talking about how they met, and they said they met because their cell phones called each other, randomly, on their own. Neither one of them was trying to call somebody else. Their phones on both ends rang, and they answered, and were introduced to each other. Because the circumstances of their meeting via phones was so peculiar, they kept in contact, later met in person and about two years later, were happily married.

Anyway, as for telemarketers, all the telemarketers that call here are all automated these days, so you can't really mess with them. Save the ones that are calling asking for donations for fundraisers, and I'm too polite to do mean things to those people.

Something I've seen Techpro do with telemarketers is sit down with them and logic out what they're trying to sell, and get the telemarketers caught up with the little 'catches' of their deals they're offering you that they aren't supposed to tell you, pretty much wreaking their whole sales pitch.

[VANGUARD]

Wells Fargo pissed me off one day when they called. I was "sick". yes. "SICK". I have never in YEARS gotten sick, like, what's a clean way to say this? something "came up" or didn't "stay down." yeah. that makes me NERVOUS when I do that, and I DID.
there is a story to this. It was I think the day after I got that sick, and I still in bed or on the couch, not movie.
Stupid me, answers the phone. "Hi, this is Wells Fargo, we'd like to ask if you'd want this offer."
I'm like, "I am SICK! I can't talk."
"well, it'd only take 5 minutes."
I'm like  and thinking, "you want to talk? if you hear anything unpleasant, it's your own fault. I am not warning you."

I hung up after just a few seconds and thought, how rude is that.

It's like the TMZ, I can say the word, but can't spell it. they go out and try to get a story.
Some actress tried to get away from them in a car, and accidentally hit a tree. they were still on her case, asking her questions.

I know it's their job, but I hate that part about that.
"Oh you're head is wide open, can see your brain. Tell me, was that so and so you were having lunch with? having an affair? was there dessert?"

[Shroudeye]

Something I've seen Techpro do with telemarketers is sit down with them and logic out what they're trying to sell, and get the telemarketers caught up with the little 'catches' of their deals they're offering you that they aren't supposed to tell you, pretty much wreaking their whole sales pitch.

That one is probably the most "polite" way to reject their sales, thru logical judo. Liked it!

BTW, I told that there isn't much telemarketers in my place... I forgot to mention those Short Message ads... now they ARE, a pain!

[Kaiaatzl]

Especially when you say 'hello' and then realize it's a recording.

Anyway, I forgot this one.  Half is by me and the other half... is by The Irrelevant Show.

#16: One of us is a zombie
Either A:
Interrupt them in the middle of a sentence to ask, loudly, "Are you a zombie?!?"  See how long it takes them to recover, or if they answer you.
(Irrelevant show sketch, in which the caller, you found out later, actually was a zombie)
Or B:
Speak from third person, call yourself "The late [your name here]" and end every sentence with a statement about how brains taste so good, or how the telemarketer's brain would taste so good.

[VANGUARD]

#2: Shoulda been a door-to-door salesguy
Tell them this joke and then immediately hang up:
You: "Knock knock"
Telemarketer: "Sigh... Who's there"
You: "Not you"

this one actually reminds me of a Dilbert comic. it wasn't telemarketing, it had to do with laying people off. The boss was talking with some random person about the layoffs and I believe the employee was asking how this was going to be done. Whatever they said, the boss ended the conversation this way:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Not you anymore."


#17
Take your own medicine

After you get the call and they try to get you to buy the product, ask them their home number so you can call them on products you wish to sell to them.

[Wraith-1]

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1992-12-07/

[-<WillyP>-]

lol, Dilbert! And welcome to the forum!