Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Shroudeye]

Some other military joke...

A General was scheduled to check this Joker Brigade. One of the privates was konwn for his stupitidy, so the officers warn him:

-Now, private Hollowbark, there is a General coming to check us tomorrow. Its his habit to ask your age first, then how much years you've been in service. If he asks you, you will answer his first question "21", and his second "2". The rest, you can reply "Sir, yes sir!" Is that clear?

-Sir, yes sir!

So this private, practices these words overnight. Then in the morning, the general arrives, and picks our private:

-Young man, how much years you've been serving in this unit?

-21, SIR!

-Umm, how old are you, young man?

-2, SIR!

-Private, are you taunting me?!

-SIR, YES SIR!

-----

A representor of the insurance company was trying to convince the grunts to apply for their war insurance:

-So guys, you see that this insurance will repay you greatly: The government will pay a substantial money to your family, in the case of your martitm. if you do not apply for this insurance, and die in the field, your family will receive nothing. So who wants to be insured?

No one speaks, and looks the man as if he's mad.

The representor tries twice more, but to no avail. So he returns and prepares to leave, when this Corporal stops him:

-Let me try.

The representor, nods and gives way:

The Corporal:

-So you maggots heard the fat price our big boys pay for our heads, to our homers, if we insure our @$$?

The grunts nods, mumbling acknowledges

-So which guy you think, they send first to any battle?!

[VANGUARD]

I didn't think the first was too funny. The second, I don't get. But, I have lost so much sleep these past two days, that may explain why I don't get the second one.

[-<WillyP>-]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she   hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..


Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.

[Kaiaatzl]

She should have phrased the heart attack better...

[Pumo]

here's a joke. get ready.......here it is. and the joke is...

"me"

funny, isn't it?

Good one. I'm gonna tell that one to my sister (where 'me' would be precisely me! lol ).

[Shroudeye]

Ookay, if military jokes aren't your type, how about some computer jokes?

Something I found on the net:

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He
decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology
had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you
would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top
speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that
weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either
case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to
all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a
car that crashes twice a day?

[NUMBERZero]

Boom, son!

[Scyphi]

Ha, good response General Motors.

[-<WillyP>-]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.

[-<WillyP>-]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. when they get there, St. Peter says, " We have only one rule here in heaven, Don't step on the ducks!"
so they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says " your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be chain to this ugly man for eternity!"

The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and St. Peter who doesn't miss a thing, chains her up with an extremely ugly man with the same admonishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wishing to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, " I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Kaiaatzl]

NO OFFENSE INTENDED!
In paricular I know there are a lot of Germans and Aussies in this community.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'.  Soon though, security levels may be raised again to 'Irritated' or even 'A bit cross'.  The English have not been 'A bit cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been reclassified from 'Tiresome' to 'A bloody nuisance'.  The last time the British issued a 'Bloody nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from 'Pissed off' to 'Let's get the bastards'.  They don't have any other levels.  This is wh they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'.  The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'.  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'.  Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective combat operations' and 'Switch sides'.
The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'.  They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a neighbor' and 'Lose'.
Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. (I was struck by how much this sounds like Seth Myers).
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright, mate'.  Two more escalation levels remain: 'Crikey!  I think we'll need to cancel the baribie this weekend!' and 'The barbie is cancelled'.  So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.
-John Cleese, British writer, actor, and tall person.

And speaking of Australia - HISTORY NIBBLES (like the son of a dingo): http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?action=mgallery;sa=item;id=499

[Matthew]

Nothing for us Americans?

The Americans raised their alert level from "ignore citizens" to "slightly annoy citizens". The 2 higher levels are "treat citizens as criminals" and "drop nuclear bomb".

[-<WillyP>-]

A GOOD LESSON ON AUSTRALIAN FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and an Australian,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Scyphi]

@ IHateHackers: I don't think the US has dropped a nuke on someone else since WWII. What would more likely happen is that Congress would hold an emergency session to decide what to do, and not actually AGREE on something until their terms run out.

[TechPro]

Nothing for us Americans?

The Americans raised their alert level from "ignore citizens" to "slightly annoy citizens". The 2 higher levels are "treat citizens as criminals" and "drop nuclear bomb".

But ... I thought Americans' alert level was "take more citizen's money" to "take the rest of citizen's money" ...