Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Scyphi]

I'd believe that.

[VANGUARD]

I'm not looking through 37 pages just to make sure that what I'm posting hasn't been posted before.

Anyway, I asked this on omegle recently and got funny responses:

I just tried this and every single person said 0. BRB while I lose all faith in humanity.

OMG Somebody just got it right!

I think the reason, at least in my case, is that whenever you multiply by 0, the answer is 0. I guess this works only if it's all multiplication, as I tried it on my calculator and did not get 0.
That is probably why so many said 0.

here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=

[Kaiaatzl]

Not really.  If the addition and subtraction was in brackets then the answer would be zero.
Or if the rest of the problem was entirely exponents.

The trick was, order of operations.  You have to multiply first.

[TechPro]

here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=

If...
1. You calculate from the first number to the last allowing each result to carry to the next
2. Correctly consider that there is no parenthesis ... Because none are shown
3. Note there are only multiplication

The answer is: 0

[VANGUARD]

here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=

If...
1. You calculate from the first number to the last allowing each result to carry to the next
2. Correctly consider that there is no parenthesis ... Because none are shown
3. Note there are only multiplication

The answer is: 0

So I'm at least half right. if all is to multiply only, then it will be a 0.

[Scyphi]

A reminder to everybody that math typically isn't funny unless abused.

[-<WillyP>-]

Wanda's dishwasher broke one day, so she called the repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day she informed him that she would leave the key under the mat, and that when he was done to just leave a copy of the bill on the kitchen table and she'll mail him a check.

But she gave him a stern warning "Don't worry about my bulldog spike. He won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't talk to the parrot! I REPEAT, DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT!"
When the repairman arrived at the house the next day, he saw the biggest,ugliest and meanest looking bulldog he'd ever seen.

As he began to work, the dog didn't even give him a second look. The parrot on the other hand, drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't take it anymore and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot responded, "Get him, Spike!"

[Kaiaatzl]

Hehe... I think I've heard variants on that one before, but the punchline was different.
The one thing that bothers me about it... why does the parrot wait until he talks to it?  It obviously doesn't like him to begin with.

[-<WillyP>-]

The parrot is getting revenge for being called stupid and ugly?

[Kaiaatzl]

But then why was the guy warned about saying anything at all?  Why wasn't he just warned about calling it stupid and ugly?
The parrot is obviously a bright coloured, cowardly, kinda selfish cloaca-head.  Hmm...

Kinda like this guy

Well that might be an exaggeration.

You don't need to tell me.  I'm pretty sure this post makes no sense.

[-<WillyP>-]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.   
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


The husband texted back to her:  "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[-<WillyP>-]

This has got to be the most epic prank played on air... can't believe they actually fell for this. How could she read those names and not crack up?



I'm just about falling off my chair laughing.

[-<WillyP>-]

From the forum I found this on:

They live among us.  :truce:

Yeah and they get paid insane salaries to put things on the air an eighth grader could tell was phony. I can understand honest mistakes but this? It gets better:

Instead of admitting that they'd been had, KTVU issued a statement apologizing for the error while blaming an official at the National Transportation Safety Board—the government agency in charge—for confirming the names.

"Earlier in the newscast we gave some names of pilots involved in the Asiana Airlines Crash," the statement read. "These names were not accurate despite an NTSB official in Washington confirming them late this morning. We apologize for this error."

This, too, wasn't real. NTSB Public Affairs Officer Peter Knudson dismissed this claim to Gawker.

"I don't know who [KTVU] got that from, but we do not release names," Knudson told the blog.

The gaffe comes just days after the station ran an article congratulating itself on "being 100% accurate, effectively using our great sources and social media without putting a single piece of erroneous information on our air."

Bwa-ha-ha! I don't think I would trust them to read out of the phone book (if they still even have phone books).

Dan

Television Journalism At It's Finest (NOT!)

[-<WillyP>-]

Ahh more of ''That's how the fight started.'

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
...


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

...

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

[TechPro]

Oh!  Ouch!