Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Scyphi]

I've heard that pun in so many different ways...

[-<WillyP>-]

Don't argue with an ibex goat. [VIDEO]

[-<WillyP>-]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no-a
find him!"

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"

[-<WillyP>-]

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

[Kaiaatzl]

It's a punderstorm!

[-<WillyP>-]

THE ORIGINAL VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN CANADIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.

"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.

[-<WillyP>-]

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''

[Kaiaatzl]

MODERN CANADIAN VERSION

...Jean Chretien...

You don't need to put anything else there to make Canadians laugh.

[Matthew]

Hey, I've got a joke. Modern Jean Chretien. LOLOLOLOLOL

[NUMBERZero]

Obama.

[Kaiaatzl]

Hey, I've got a joke. Modern Jean Chretien. LOLOLOLOLOL

That doesn't make Canadians laugh...
I didn't say what it was about those two quotes that did...

the idea that Americans still think Jean Chretien is prime minister of Canada
I doesn't have to be true

[Matthew]

Obama.

... 

[VANGUARD]

Obama.

... 

It's not a joke joke, well, sometimes yes. sometimes it's another type of joke. It's sort of like saying "Windows (almost any version) is a joke."

[Matthew]

Obama.

... 

It's not a joke joke, well, sometimes yes. sometimes it's another type of joke. It's sort of like saying "Windows (almost any version) is a joke."

Which is exactly why I had that reaction. Bringing up long-past politics is one thing, but current politics is not joke-thread material. I happen to think Obama is anything but a joke compared to Bush...

[Kaiaatzl]

I happen to agree with that -- from a more international perspective -- Obama is the polar opposite of the "Bush disaster".