Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Scyphi]

All is well that ends well.

Sort of. 

[Matthew]

Better to be lucky than good?

[Scyphi]

Well, it all did work out for everybody in the end in a way, except maybe the electrician guy, who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[-<WillyP>-]

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney is sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

[NUMBERZero]

Lol, mindless worker drones for the government.

[-<WillyP>-]

Right click and view image:

[-<WillyP>-]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[-<WillyP>-]

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[-<WillyP>-]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[Scyphi]

Right click and view image:

I'm thinking that they're getting real frustrated by the end of that. But at least they pulled the car out finally. 

[Matthew]

You got me to spend 2 hours looking up funny air traffic stories,WillyP. I hatez u nao.

[-<WillyP>-]

Mwhahaha...

[Kaiaatzl]

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

Oh, the sarcasm.
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!

[TechPro]

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

Oh, the sarcasm.
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!

Hey, you talkin' about Sparky behind his/it's back??

[SaladBadger]

What's with all of this talk about the the Interchange File Format?