Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[-<WillyP>-]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said -- "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly -- As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say -- Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of  Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord -- "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute.
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
'The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what -- Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"

[Matthew]

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"

LOL!

[-<WillyP>-]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,  ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son.  My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.  He would have  been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started  school''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at  the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

 
 
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Scyphi]

I liked the six item express lane one. I've been a cashier before, and while the store I worked at didn't have any kind of express lane, I could see myself making some kind of wise crack like that when confronted with the issue. I hated being a cashier at times because of instances like that.

Of course, wise-cracks like that get you in trouble, which is why you don't see that more often.

[Kaiaatzl]

This picture makes none

[SaladBadger]

time to chalk up another appearance of that image.. heh

[Kaiaatzl]

It's everywhere, isn't it... but I noticed it wasn't here.

[Scyphi]

Well, apparently it's just short of having gotten everywhere, because this is the first I've seen it.

[-<WillyP>-]

Ok, this guy goes into a bait & tackle shop to buy some fishing supplies. He picks up a fishing reel, some bobbers, and a couple of lures and heads to the counter. Upon placing the items on the counter he notices the man behind the counter is blind. The man asks the clerk "how do you know what the prices are". The clerk answers "Son I've owned this shop since 1965 and I know every item in this store from memory". So one at a time he picks up the items and examines them and proceeds to ring them up. The clerk says "That'll be $19.50". As the man reaches for his wallet he drops it on the floor, and when he bends over to pick it up he cuts a fart. After standing back up he asks the clerk, "How much was my total again, and the clerk replies "$24.50". The man snaps back and says "I thought you said it was $19.50" to which the clerk replied "I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".

[Matthew]

"I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".

Owned.

[NUMBERZero]

"I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".

Owned.

X2

[-<WillyP>-]

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______  

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___  

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.  
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:         I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
_______ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  
                     Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand..    
____________ _________ _________ ________  

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :         No, sir. It's the same dog.  
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher

[Kaiaatzl]

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Alter-Fox.

Seriously, I don't even know the right answer to that.  (Am I smarter than a fifth grader?)
Somniferous maybe?  But somniferous doesn't mean exactly that (It means "really boring").

I have another one, from one of my friends when I was in Junior High.
__________ _______________ _______________ ______________

TEACHER:    Johnny, you know you can't sleep in class.
JOHNNY:      Yeah, but maybe if you were quieter I could!

[NUMBERZero]

lol, I can always sleep in class, but ironically, when I am in my comfortable bed at night, I can't sleep.

[-<WillyP>-]

Gander NLFP (CP) CANADA'S WORST AIR DISASTER occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater airplane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.