Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[-<WillyP>-]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[-<WillyP>-]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in America  with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

[NUMBERZero]

WTFhowisthatpossiblebbq
Out of all of the jokes in the world, you happen to post the SAME EXACT KID GOES TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL JOKE that my doctor said to me YESTERDAY.
*Twilight Zone music*

Are you my doctor? XD

[-<WillyP>-]

Yeah, I'll send you a bill.

[Scyphi]

The joke's old though, I first remembering hearing it years ago, so it's probably spread far and wide across the country.

[-<WillyP>-]

I think it was more the coincidence of it being posted here exactly 24 hours after he heard it that got to him. 24 being the number of a beast, ya know?

[-<WillyP>-]

[-<WillyP>-]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in   California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
           
 The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
         Give me a calf?"
Bud  looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
       
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to aNASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
       
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to animage processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
           
Within seconds, he receives an email on hisPalm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
         
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
         
  "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
     
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
         
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
         
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
         
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
             
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
         
  "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ....
 
Now give me back my dog.

[Scyphi]

Ha, ha! That's good! "give me back my dog," that's great!

[Kaiaatzl]

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." - Steven Wright



A Letter from John Cleese to the USA


Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut 'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

[NUMBERZero]

XD

I can go for the Metric system and the roundabouts. But Tea Time is (in the voice of the Power Thirst youtube video) UNACCEPTABLE!

[Matthew]

I'll ignore the Obama quip and just laugh at the rest of that list even though I don't understand half of it, proving just how correct most of that letter is

[Scyphi]

Actually, politically speaking, I could live with some of those political changes Cleese proposed, but I do have to wonder if I'd even notice myself.

I could live with a roundabout, as there's already one here in my home town, and I'm a little rusty on my metric, but that's just a hop, skip, and a jump to compensate.

Don't think I could live with the spelling changes, though...

[-<WillyP>-]

A yuppie driving through the English countryside one day suddenly notices that both the dash clock in his BMW, and his Rolex have stopped.  He notices a farmer in a field, stops and asks him the time.  The farmer replies:
"I don't have a watch, but I can consult the bull for you, if you want"
A little confused, the yuppie says "Oh, O.K."
The farmer crouches down behind the bull and gently cups its balls in his hands.  He spends a few moments seemingly testing the weight of each ball, then stands up and says "It's a quarter past two".
The yuppie gets back in his car, drives off down the road and hears a time-check on the radio.  To his surprise, the farmer was exactly correct - but the yuppie puts it down to pure luck.

A few weeks later, the same yuppie is driving down the same road and sees the same farmer.  He decides to see if the farmer can perform the trick again so he stops and asks the time.  Again, the farmer crouches behind the bull and carefully weighs its balls in his hands.  He gets up and says "half past ten".  The yuppie checks his watch to see the farmer is exactly right but again, puts it down to luck and goes on his way.

Another week goes by and the yuppie finds himself on the same road - again the farmer is there so he stops and asks him the time again.  Once more the farmer goes through the bulls balls weighing ritual and returns with exactly the right time.  This time, the yuppie realizes it cannot be chance, and asks the farmer how he does it.  The farmer looks around furtively, then says:
"Well....  lifting the left ball - that's just for show, but when you lift up the right ball, you can just see the clock on the village church tower..."
   

[TechPro]

Ah ... Ewwwww...