Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[VANGUARD]

looks like WillyP has two 3's, and no 4's.

[-<WillyP>-]

Fixed. Hey, I just copied that from somewhere else.

However, I think Kai was referring to TP's post, not mine.

[Kaiaatzl]

Yep, righto.

[-<WillyP>-]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...


"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.


Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.


Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.


BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

[TechPro]

[-<WillyP>-]

I think your reply lost something in the translation.

[TechPro]

I think your reply lost something in the translation.

I see an animated gif of a smiley laughing hysterically, which is about how I felt after reading the joke you posted.

What do you see?

[-<WillyP>-]

I see a blank message until I view the source, then I see a link to a url on a server that is 'unable to connect'. Try hitting ctrl-F5, you might have that image cached.

[-<WillyP>-]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[Zantor]

Some bacteria walk in to a bar. A bartender notices them and says, "hey! you aren't allowed in here!" They respond, "it's okay. were Staph."

[Scyphi]

[-<WillyP>-]

Newlyweds get to their Hotel room and start to get undressed.  The groom hands the bride his pants and says" put these on".  She pulls them up and the waist could go around her twice. 

She says"I can't wear these pants". 

He says "Exactly!  I'm the man in this marriage.  I wear the pants and you'd better not forget it." 

She hands him her very small thong and says "put these on". 

He looks at them and say's "I can't get into these panties." 

She says "Exactly!  And it's going to stay that way until your attitude changes!"

[-<WillyP>-]

A trucker was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The trucker rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from truck to truck, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the trucker asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[-<WillyP>-]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
 
 
WIFE v. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'
 
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!!!'

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who  should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM'.   He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
 

[Scyphi]

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?

Not to ruin the joke, but I actually recently read that, according to studies and despite popular opinion, men on average actually talk more than women do.

Which then leads to long discussions about why that might be so and eventually going into sexism and gender equality...but I'll spare you all that.