Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[-<WillyP>-]

How the internets came to be...

[-<WillyP>-]

A man once told his three closest friends that he was dying.  "I only have three months to live.  I'm going to give each you an envelope with $25K dollars in cash inside.  At my funeral, just before the close the casket and bury me, I want each of you to throw it in.  I'm taking it with me.  You three are my lawyer, doctor and pastor, so I know I can trust each of you to honor my last request."

The day comes, and each of the three go up to the casket and drop their envelope in just before it's sealed for all eternity.

At the reception after, the doctor said: "I feel terrible, but there's nothing I can do about it now.  I took $10K out  the envelope because of a child I know that needs an operation and whose family can't afford it.  I figured that he couldn't use the money and the kid could.  I only put $15K in the casket."

The minister said: " I feel even worse.  There's a mission in Africa where people are starving to death.  I figured he wasn't going to use the money, so I took $15K out and only put $10K in the casket."

The lawyer said: "I'm surprised at both of you!  A doctor and a minister and you couldn't be trusted to follow through on his last request.  It doesn't matter whether he uses the money or not.  They were his funds and we made a promise.  That's why I put in a check for the full amount...."

[-<WillyP>-]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility."

"And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down"

[-<WillyP>-]

Apparently new techniques were needed to fight crime in countries that have banned guns.

[DarkWing]

Nice.  But I thought they used whistles instead of gun sounds?

[-<WillyP>-]

The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.  “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”

“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

[TechPro]

 

[1DeViLiShDuDe]

~Heh! That's funny!
A clean j☺ke thread!

[-<WillyP>-]

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY ......and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
 
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."
 
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
 
I still don't think I looked that bad.

[-<WillyP>-]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

[VANGUARD]

12 was good. 20 took a few times of reading the end before I got it.

[TechPro]

This just in.  The perfect crime was committed last night when thieves broke into Police Headquarters and stole all of the toilets. 

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

After a series of crimes in the San Francisco area, Chief of Police Marion C. Dingle has announced that he's looking for a thief with one eye.

If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Congress was sealed off today, after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during the President's State of the Union speech.

A spokesman for the Police said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

[Kaiaatzl]

#3 happened in Ottawa a couple months ago.  Was not fun for Canadians.
1 and 2 are way too silly.  I love them.

[VANGUARD]

I don't get #3 

[Ionized]

Where's number 4?