Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[-<WillyP>-]

100 MPH goat

Two Florida rednecks are out hunting, and as they are  walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.  The  first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom.  I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,”I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.  They are  standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.   As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The  first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said, “That’s impossible….  …I had him chained to an old transmission!”

[-<WillyP>-]

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is  dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me.  I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ...38 revolver so you will always  remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like  guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch  instead?"

"You lissina me, boy!  Somma day  you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa  money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos.  "

"Somma day you gonna  come-a home  and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you  gonna  do then?  Pointa to you watch and say,
'Times  up!"?

[Scyphi]

Well...it would be witty...

[-<WillyP>-]

You might think so, unless it was your brother, and he were the one that got the revolver.

[Scyphi]

Well, true or you could hope you never end up in that sort of situation in the first place.

[Scyphi]

[Pumo]

lol, that was a good one! xD

[Viper1999]

Oh god that was hilarious!

[Scyphi]

Yes, I think he proved his point nicely, didn't he? 

[Scyphi]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the bartender says “What's this? Some kind of joke?”

[Kaiaatzl]

I've heard that one so many times you wouldn't believe...
But I need to have a post on page 42.

[Kaiaatzl]

This: https://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090219124132AALnFQr
Sry for not being more specific, but this is the sort of silliness where that would spoil everything.  It seems to be based on an xkcd strip.
And the answers are even better than the question...

[Scyphi]

I've heard that one so many times you wouldn't believe...

Not surprised, but I hadn't ever heard it myself until yesterday, and thought it was worth sharing nonetheless.

[Kaiaatzl]

Probably was... meta humour is the best humour.

[-<WillyP>-]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'