Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[-<WillyP>-]

A woman brought a limp duck into a veterinary clinic, she put the duck on the examination table. The vet. said hello, whipped his stethoscope out of his pocket and put it on the ducks heart. Sorry madam, your duck is dead.

"Are you sure ?" Yes, its dead. "But how can you be sure ? " Yes, I am sure, its dead. "But you haven't done any testing or anything, it might just be in a coma or something "
The vet. rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, then walked back into his office. Two seconds later came out with his Labrador dog, the dog stood on his back legs, sniffed all over the duck, looked at his master with sad eyes, shook his head, so the vet and the dog walked back to his basket in the office.

The vet came out with a cat, the cat jumped up on the table, sniffed the duck all over, meowed slowly then walked out of the room. "Sorry madam, your duck is definitely dead, 100% dead."
He went back into his office to make out the bill, handed it to the woman. She looked at the charge, "What ! $150 dollars !" " A $150 dollars just to tell me that my duck is dead !"

"Sorry madam, if you had just accepted my first answer, I would have only charged you $20, but with having a Lab report and then the cat scan its now $150 dollars "

[-<WillyP>-]

How not to break up with your mistress.

[-<WillyP>-]

For the retired but not resigned:
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Being old can be fun!

[TechPro]

Nice!

[Sapphirus]

Cross over moment:
Linus from Peanuts suddenly enters Aperture Science, in search for the Great Pumpkin through the corridors of each test chambers and suddenly, Linus stumbled upon a wall with written words that repeatedly says, "The Great Pumpkin Is a Lie".  And he hears GlaDOS' voice saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, Linus.  I'm afraid that the Great Pumpkin was just your imaginary friend that you came up with, and thus he doesn't exist".  If you didn't grew up with Peanuts (the comic/cartoon, not the food product), then you won't get it.

(yes it's a cross-reference)

[Scyphi]

Since we're doing Peanuts/Portal gags now...



Also, seriously, who here DIDN'T grow up with Peanuts?

[TechPro]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[-<WillyP>-]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with him?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Alieo]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this..." pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[-<WillyP>-]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby girl.
"Congratulations!' says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby girl and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name her Sum Ting Wong."

[-<WillyP>-]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[-<WillyP>-]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[-<WillyP>-]

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

[-<WillyP>-]

Dave is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door in the rain. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was asleep in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," protests the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife, "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts into the rain and the darkness: "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on the swing."

[Kaiaatzl]

A veterinarian was overheard saying to the owner of a sick cat:
"Give him one of these pills every two hours.  Then use this to staunch your bleeding."