Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Kaiaatzl]

How To Leave The Planet:

1. Phone NASA.  Their phone number is (713) 483-3111.  Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.

2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.

3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051).  They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.

4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance.  His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.

5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.

-Douglas Adams

[-<WillyP>-]

A gal had a small dog, that one day swallowed a quarter. Not knowing what else to do, she takes the dog to the Vet.

The Vet checked the dog over thoroughly, and not really seeing anything out of the ordinary, says "your dog seems to check out fine, just take him home, and keep an eye on him, and let me know if there is any change...

[Foil]

<groan>

  (I still get a kick out of those cheesy punchlines, though...)

[Scyphi]

I'm used to cheesy punchlines. They're Techpro's specialty (and they're rubbing off on me to boot).

[-<WillyP>-]

Three guys are out hunting, sitting around the campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says he was 7 stories up washing windows and the scaffolding collapsed, breaking every bone in his body. He was in the hospital for 6 months.

The second guy says he was hitch hiking and was run over by a Greyhound bus, breaking his back. He was in the hospital for a year.

The third guy was saying nothing, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

"Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing," he said. "I was out hunting in the woods and I had to take a dump. I stepped behind a tree, dropped my pants, and crouched down into the position."

"What happened next?" the other guy asked.

"Well, I got a little to close to the ground and, WHAM! a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles!"

One of the other guys says, "God, if that was the second worst thing that has happened to you, what in the world was the first?"

The third man replies, "That would be when I reached the end of the chain."

[VANGUARD]

Is a bear at the end of the chain, or something else? Sick again, brain is slow.

[Kaiaatzl]

I didn't get it either.
Is the beartrap on a chain?

[VANGUARD]

maybe it's his dung, which could make sense. He was in the process of doing a #2, and getting startled like that, "scared the *you know* out of me."
but I would think touching my own dung wouldn't be as bad as getting *something else* cut off.

[Matthew]

I think they're saying the trap latched on first. Then when he moved to the end of the chain...

[VANGUARD]

*crickets chirping* Still lost...

Explaining a joke sort of ruins it I know, but I really don't get it.

[Kaiaatzl]

What chain?
Where did the chain come from?

[Foil]

Yes, beartraps are on chains tethered to the ground.  The trap latches on (ow!), and the guy takes off running, then reaches the end of the chain (OW!!!). 

[VANGUARD]

someone at work explained this to me. sort of what I thought, that his sensitive area got cut off when he reached the end of the chain.

[Kaiaatzl]

Why would he run if he knew it was a beartrap and knew it was on a chain?
Idiot human.

I get it but it still makes no sense.

[-<WillyP>-]

Obviously he didn't see the bear trap and all he knew was that something latched onto his genitals... I think most people would run just from being startled.

Shheesh, you guys... no more jokes for you.