Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[TechPro]

It got clean at the end. 

... for the bear.

[-<WillyP>-]

A city guy is out duck hunting in a neighbor's field. Right away in the morning he sees a duck and BLAM, he shoots it.
Well, the wounded duck then falls out of the sky and hits the neighboring farmhouse roof and then falls in their front lawn. The man walks over and is about to grab the duck when he hears someone yell "Hey, you leave that duck alone!"
The city man looks up and sees the farmer on his porch.
"I just shot this duck, so it's mine" says the city man.
"Ha, you don't know much about land laws, do ya boy? That duck is on my property, so its mine." responded the farmer. "But if you want it we can settle this country style."
"Country Style?" asked the city man.
The farmer explained, "It's where we kick each other in the crotch until one of us can't get up. Then whoever is left gets the duck." "Well alright," goes the city man.
"I'm first" the farmer says, then BLAM!!! He kicks the city man right in the junk.
After about 20min of rolling around, moaning, and a few tears, the city man gets up and says "Well, I guess it's my turn!"
The farmer says "Nah, you can keep the duck."

BuddyHackett - Duck Story

[Matthew]

Took a while for me to fully register that one, but once I did I laughed heartily

[Scyphi]

Conversation I just had a few moments ago with my little brother:


I was passing the kitchen just in time to see he was in the fridge and was in the process of putting the lid back on the pickle jar, presumably because he had just gotten a pickle and had already eaten it. He then closes the fridge and proceeds in my direction.

Just to acknowledge that I had seen him do this, I said, "So, enjoy the pickle?"

Probably because he knew he hadn't actually gotten permission to get the pickle in the first place, he immediately denies it, saying, "Uh, no, I didn't, I was just checking to make sure the lid to the pickle jar was on tight."

Knowing full well that this wasn't true, and that he had no other reason to be in the fridge, I just concluded, "You enjoyed the pickle, then."

Again, he denies it. "No, I didn't!"

I reply, "C'mon, nobody opens the fridge just to check if the pickle jar lid is on tight!"

His response: "Well, somebody's gotta do it!"


Despite wanting to, I had a hard time trying to argue that point and gave it up.

[-<WillyP>-]

[DarkWing]

[Scyphi]

I thought this was hilarious. 

[TechPro]

"Woodchip" posted this in the descentbb.net (link).

------------------------

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

[TechPro]

The 56 worst Analogies from High School Students (copied from this site)

1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

23. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.

25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

29. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

33. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

34. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

35. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

36. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

37. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.

40. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.

41. They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”

42. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.

43. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

44. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.

46. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.

47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.

48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

49. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.

50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

53. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.

54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.

56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

[-<WillyP>-]

That was very funny, I laughed like a laugh when you find something so funny you laugh.

I especially liked numbers 1 through 56.

[Scyphi]

I can't top what you said there, WillyP, so...ditto what he said.

[VANGUARD]

6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

I could almost see this as being good, sort of..

8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Sounds like a Monty Python skit; from Flying Circus.

28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

I could almost hear Leslie Nelson use this line in a comedy, like Naked Gun.

31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

This really made me smile

32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

This is bad too, lol. Not wedding bells? No. The sound a garbage truck makes when backing up.

45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.

This sounds good. Does it not? Would I use it? I doubt, but it does explain it I suppose.

51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

This is good if left to the imagination. I guess.

Some were more than just bad. Those that can't really explain it. "Don't know the name, sounds German." or "like whatever".

Why don't I write? Finished a book once, 6 pages long. yeah.....

[Kaiaatzl]

9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

That would be perfect writing.  Not bad at all, just hysterical.

And I saw a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy analogy... not exactly the same but come on.

[Scyphi]

Yeah, a lot of these would work very well in a comedy scenario, and I'm pretty confident that a good number of them were written with exactly that in mind. They'd probably seem more appropriate if they were in context with whatever work they had been included in originally.

Other are just bad, though. Like 6, 28, 32, maybe 51 depending on the context, etc. But that's why they're hilarious.

Why don't I write? Finished a book once, 6 pages long. yeah.....

Sounds like the first completed story I ever wrote. It had ten chapters and a prologue and an epilogue, a full-length story and everything...and it totaled to 13 pages. Nonetheless, I was pretty proud of that first work at the time, so much so I started work on a sequel (never finished it, though, I eventually wised up).

[NUMBERZero]

I remember my first story. It was dreadful. Fifteen extremely short chapters, about 11,000 words, and no quality to speak of.

I started again with a second story and ended up writing more words than the first Harry Potter book (76,944). I did another and that ended up with more words than even the third Harry Potter book (107,253)