Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Alieo]

looool! OOPS!

[-<WillyP>-]

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial.
Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(then back to the newscast.)
He jumps.
Blonde: "Okay, here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy, I can't take your money."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost!"
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I know I saw it too! I just can't believe he jumped again!"

[CrazyEnzo03]

Some people are like Slinkies:  they're not really good or useful for anything but they always manage to bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

[NUMBERZero]

Ooooooooohohohoho-yyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhh

[Alieo]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more.  There is a hush within the congregation.   No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says, "If the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants."   

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.  The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding hisforehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'"

[-<WillyP>-]

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2012 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2012 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2012 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2012 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2012- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


1958: CEO of company bankrupts business. He resigns in shame and gives up options package.

2012: CEO of company bankrupts entire industry. He is given bonuses upwards of $500 million, plus a retirement plan for himself and his wife. He also goes to Washington to ask for more money to save the industry he is in. He is seen as a great success and meets with the President.

[Kaiaatzl]

...
...
...
>...this seems more political than humourous.  Are you trying to make a statement?  Because trying to make a political statement... in the joke thread... seems...  I dunno.  I don't want to say it.

No, my capitalisation and punctuation are entirely correct.

[DarkWing]

Yeah, seemed (to me) to be a history lesson, not a joke.  No laughing.  Now I'm saddened.

[NUMBERZero]

I liked it because it is so true. Our Marketing teacher told us all of these and they were good.

[VANGUARD]

I kind of agree. I don't mind political jokes, left wing and/or right wing, but it doesn't seem to fit as a joke.

We can move on, and come up with some other jokes.

[TechPro]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

Mom: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

Mom: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"


-------------------------------------------


Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Kaiaatzl]

Mum really wants her son to stick to her chosen career path eh?

[TechPro]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

[Alieo]

Haha! Ain't it the truth!

[Matthew]

Cheeky.