Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Kaiaatzl]

This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest.   

Bee

What if you don't drive at all... are you wasting public sidewalk space?

[-<WillyP>-]

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”


Customer: “My cable box is broken.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the issue?”
Customer: “Roughly every 1 minute the channel goes up. I tried turning it off and on, I tried unplugging it, I made sure no one was sitting on the remote, nothing works, you guys gave me a broken box!”
Tech Support: “What does it currently show on the front of the box sir?”
Customer: “Channel 932.”
Tech Support: “And what time is it sir?”
Customer: “9:32. Oh.” *hangs up*


    A man calls the local cable company.

    Customer Service: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How may I help you?”
    Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”

    Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.

    Caller’s grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the 70’s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”

    The grandson gets back on the phone.

    Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”
    Customer Service: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”
    Caller’s grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”
    Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80’s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”
    Caller’s grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”
    Customer Service: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Wednesday.”

    The grandson relays this information.

    Caller’s grandmother: “Oh, okay then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”


    If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.

    Wife asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping:

    Her: Dear, please, go to the grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
    Him: Okay, hun.

    20 minutes later he comes back with 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted!

    Her: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
    Him: They had eggs.

[-<WillyP>-]

The Rabbit and the Blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says “Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

[-<WillyP>-]

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your frickin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[NUMBERZero]

XD that is good!

[SaladBadger]

    If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.

Depends on how witty you are. It took me a bit to figure out that one.

[Matthew]

    If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.

Depends on how witty you are. It took me a bit to figure out that one.

I got it right away. It's just you

[Shroudeye]

A "tunnel" joke for you all:

Three contractors showing their skills for a long, undersea tunnel construction:

Contractor #1:
"Our technology allows us to build with great precision... We start digging from two ends, and when the tunnel's met, they'll miss each other for approx. 1 meter, max."

Contractor #2:
"Our technology allows greater precision... We start digging from two ends, and it will miss a few inches at the end."

Contractor #3:
"Our technology would be the best for you: We start digging from two ends; either it will met, or you'll have two tunnels instead..."

[Kaiaatzl]

   If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.

Nice one... I got it almost right away, and I'm not a programmer...

Also, I really like Shroudeye's joke too...

Now I must think of some more...

[-<WillyP>-]

Oh, I just copy/ pasted that from somewhere, I'm not a programmer either but I know enough about programming to se what's meant by that.

[Scyphi]

I got it right away too, and I don't know much of anything about programming either. The others were all pretty good too, I particularly liked the cable company jokes.

[Shroudeye]

You're welcome, Alter-Fox!

A joke about Mark Twain:

One day, Mark Twain was in a bar, drinking before his speech. He turns to bartender, and asks another glass. Bartender, not recognizing him, asks him while serving the glass:
-Mark Twain will give a speech in a conference today... Would you be interested?
Mark replies:
-I don't like that guy's speeches, then adds:
-I'm always on foot when he speaks!

[Matthew]

-I'm always on foot when he speaks!

Don't get it.

[Ronin RedFox]

I think it means he is the man speaking.

[Matthew]

I think it means he is the man speaking.

I get that, but why does being on foot when someone is speaking make the speech bad?