Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Kaiaatzl]

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
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(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

Oh, the sarcasm.
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!

Hey, you talkin' about Sparky behind his/it's back??

Lol, but you're wrong... it's Stinger.

[NUMBERZero]

I find that all robots have problems with their IFF if you shoot one and get away without making any noise. They also do it straight in the middle of a battle if one bot accidentally shoots another. It is especially hilarious when a flame gyro gets hit and he just BURNS the attacker. I find myself laughing maniacally whenever he turns around to bathe his attacker in a holy beam of fire!

[Scyphi]

Oh yeah, and those flame gyro's are deadly, too. Only the fact that it had such weak armor keeps it from being one of the deadliest bots in D3. So it's kind of a relief when it turns its guns on the other robots and not you. 

[Matthew]

Certain bots are extremely aggressive that way. Flame Gyros and Stingers being one of them. All stormtrooper variants, IRC, are also extremely aggressive and will fight to the death anything that so much as looks at them funny.

[-<WillyP>-]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

[-<WillyP>-]

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

[-<WillyP>-]

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[-<WillyP>-]

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"


A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

[-<WillyP>-]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand at one end of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other end, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[Matthew]

I've heard a few variants on that one, but that's by far the best. 

[NUMBERZero]

HAHAHAHA first time that I have heard of that one.


You could easily pull that off at TSA if they ever stop you to do a freaking r4nd0m check.

"1 billion dollars says that I have nothing on me and you are wasting my gorram time."

*finds nothing*

"Pay up."


Garunteed that they would never check if there was a risk like that involved. Bunch of annoying time wasters.


Anyone got any good jokes on TSA?

[Wraith-1]

haven't heard any good jokes on the TSA, kind of suprising, you would think that with how insane the whole thing is, it'd be easy to make a good joke of it.

might make an interesting MPD thread, the MD wakes up and has to go through a patdown to get to his OWN pyro, they won't let him take his trusty laser rifle, ect.

http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2010/11/24/top-10-tsa-jokes.htm

[-<WillyP>-]

Hello! and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following menu options:
 
 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
 
 If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
 
 If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
 
 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
 
 If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
 
 If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
 
 If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
 
 If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969696969696.
 
 If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
 
 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
 
 If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.
 
 If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
 
 If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[VANGUARD]

That IRS audit one was quite creative. wow. I was surprised how well it turned out at the end.

[-<WillyP>-]

While working at the Guinness brewery, Seamus slips and falls in a vat of Guinness where he eventually drowns.
Ethan comes round to Seamus' widow's house to give her the bad news.
"I'm terribly sorry Katie but I'm afraid I've bad news. There was a bit of an accident at the brewery. Your dear Seamus didn't make it. I'm sorry."

Katie cried and cried and after a few minutes stopped sobbing long enough to ask, "How'd it happen Ethan?"
He told her of how Seamus slipped and fell into a vat of Guinness and eventually drowned to which Katie said, "Well if he had to go, at least he went fairly quickly."

"Well", said Ethan, "Not really. He got out to pee three times."