Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Kaiaatzl]

I think the guy hadn't turned the chainsaw on when he was cutting down the trees... ?

Still doesn't make much sense.

[Foil]

...And that would be exactly why it's funny. 

[-<WillyP>-]

Um... yes!

Anyway, here's an oldie, but, c'mon, there must be at least one person here who hasn't seen it:

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.

5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

6. January 23, 2006: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! — PICK ME!"

14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! Sheila! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least, just today....

15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"

[VANGUARD]

I think the guy hadn't turned the chainsaw on when he was cutting down the trees... ?

Still doesn't make much sense.

it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?

[VANGUARD]

11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"

these two sound familiar. the others, not so much.

[Matthew]

[TechPro]

Anyway, here's an oldie, but, c'mon, there must be at least one person here who hasn't seen it:

Ooo!  Can I be that one? Please?  (I really had't seen it)

[Kaiaatzl]

...And that would be exactly why it's funny. 

I didn't say anything to contradict that. 

[Shroudeye]

it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?

Well, its called a joke, where a man can walk on the lake, and appear on the tomorrow's newspaper as a guy who does not know how to swim!

[VANGUARD]

it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?

Well, its called a joke, where a man can walk on the lake, and appear on the tomorrow's newspaper as a guy who does not know how to swim!

I know, I take the fun out of everything 

I tell jokes, but I usually mess it up.

[-<WillyP>-]

[Shroudeye]

One day, a traffic officer stops a random car:

-Congratulations, sir. You have been awarded (A Fat)$ for being the 500th driver with sealtbelts fastened.

The driver:
-Thank you... I'll get myself a licence with that.

Officer, shocked:
-Sir, you don't have a driving licence?

Driver's wife, who was sitting at the front passenger seat, leans over:
-Don't mind him sir, he doesn't know what he says when he is drunk!

-AND you were driving under influence!?

The man at the back seat, sighing:
-I told you guys, that we can't go much far with a stolen car!

So the officer opens the door:
-Get out of the car please.

Suddenly, someone thumps the trunk:
-Hey guys, did we past the border yet?

[Shroudeye]

A simple joke (Actually a riddle):

You enter a room:

Before you enter, you were Russian.
In it, you were European.
When you exit, You are Finnish.

What is this room?

(Highlight below for the answer!)

Bathroom!

[-<WillyP>-]

Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After the autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them
what happened to the victims.....

 The Coroner tells the Inspector:
'First body: an Italian, age 60, died of heart failure while making love with his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
 
'Second body: Scotsman, age 25, won 10 thousand bucks on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
 
The Inspector asks, 'What about the third body?'
 
'Ahhhhhh......,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one.  Jim Bob Ray....
Redneck...., age 30,...... struck by lightning.'
 
'Why the heck is smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
 
Says the coroner.... 'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

[-<WillyP>-]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
 to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
 who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
 last day of life.
 
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
 into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
 
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
 roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellows in here just before you."
 
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest and....."