Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Foil]

Nah, I prefer Conan O'Brien's "New Terror Alert System", based on Nick Cage movie clips:

http://teamcoco.com/content/new-terror-alert-nicolas-cage-terror-alert

The updated version is even better:

http://video.teamcoco.com/video/conan.jsp?oid=249280&eref=sharethisUrl

[-<WillyP>-]

[-<WillyP>-]

.

[-<WillyP>-]

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[-<WillyP>-]

[-<WillyP>-]

A Dark And Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:
 

"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Scyphi]

*dies laughing at the last joke*

[Kaiaatzl]

Speaking of death by jokes:


You've probably already seen it .

[Jeremy.west]

Some other military joke...

A General was scheduled to check this Joker Brigade. One of the privates was konwn for his stupitidy, so the officers warn him:

-Now, private Hollowbark, there is a General coming to check us tomorrow. Its his habit to ask your age first, then how much years you've been in service. If he asks you, you will answer his first question "21", and his second "2". The rest, you can reply "Sir, yes sir!" Is that clear?

-Sir, yes sir!

So this private, practices these words overnight. Then in the morning, the general arrives, and picks our private:

-Young man, how much years you've been serving in this unit?

-21, SIR!

-Umm, how old are you, young man?

-2, SIR!

-Private, are you taunting me?!

-SIR, YES SIR!

Really funny one ha ha ha

[-<WillyP>-]

Not a joke, but I'll put this here anyway...

[-<WillyP>-]

The Most Useless Machine EVER!

[Shroudeye]

Yeah, good old heaps o'junk.

[VANGUARD]

that's why I am having trouble at work. boss keeps telling me to flip the switch and something always gets in the way.

[Shroudeye]

Something from the net:

A guy orders a chainsaw that is told to be able to cut 500 trees in a day.

The 1st day, he could cut 50 trees. Second day, he downs 75. The third day, he barely cuts down 99.

Frustated, he calls the manufacturer. A technician comes in, takes the chainsaw, and pulls its line.

The machine roars, and our guy jumps:
-AAAARGH! WHAT WAS THAT?!

[NUMBERZero]

Yes, what was that?