Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Matthew]

LOL that was a good one.

[-<WillyP>-]

[Matthew]

Wow... That's creative.

[Kaiaatzl]

The Demented Cartoon movie, by Brian Kendal:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/demented

I haven't watched it in a while, but I don't think there was any obscenity.  If there is, just tell me and I'll remove the link.

[-<WillyP>-]

[-<WillyP>-]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray".

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[-<WillyP>-]

Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
A. Bell-bottoms!

Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!

Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!

Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!

Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!

Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!

Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A. H-E-L-L-O!

Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.

Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they're not home!

Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!

[-<WillyP>-]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blond calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from  San Francisco  to  New York City  ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Hispanic detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[-<WillyP>-]

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the woman's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[NUMBERZero]

10 was the best and 9 was second. They were all good.

[TechPro]

As soon as I read 2... I was immediately thinking about a certain one of my young kids ... 

[-<WillyP>-]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,

"D@mn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"......

(somehow I knew that was coming... but I laughed anyway... )

[-<WillyP>-]

A Trini guy, a Guyanese man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Trini guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Guyanese is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

[-<WillyP>-]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
 

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
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. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


DON'T CUSS ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!

[-<WillyP>-]

The Jamaican helper (maid) asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise of pay that was requested.

She asked: 'Now Marie, why yuh feel yuh deserve a pay increase?'

Marie: 'Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase.' The first one, mi iron better than you'!

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Marie: 'Your husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh!'

Marie: 'The second reason .. ah can cook better than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Marie: 'Your husband again'

Wife: 'Oh!'

Marie: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you ...'

Wife: (really furious now): 'My husband says that as well??'

Marie: 'No ma'am, your husband's best friend Andrew.

Wife: 'How much yuh seh you want again?'