Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[TechPro]

Some actual signs found on Chapel bulletin boards:

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[SaladBadger]

Some of those are just completly silly, but some are also blantant (yet also silly) errors. I wonder how they would have done that if the signs were those old "put the letters physically in the sign" signs, since those seem less suspectible to typos. Unless the letters fall easy

[Scyphi]

I dunno, I've seen some of those "put the letters physically in the sign", and I assure you, they are just as prone to errors themselves.

[-<WillyP>-]

I don't think these are caused by the method of signage, I think they are Baptists.

[TechPro]

Nice, I like those signs. 

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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."

[TechPro]

A piece of 'wisdom' ...

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

[TechPro]

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[-<WillyP>-]

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

[Kaiaatzl]

All of this is taken from the "South Side Story":

TechPro's weasel quote is by Jason Hutchinson.

True Tales from Around the World:

Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright.  He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??"  Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists?  Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev.  "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades,
"Imperialists are everywhere..."

When is a pencil not a pencil?
When it's on the pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand held communications inscriber," says a Democratic senator.

In June a replacement driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City.  However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.

These are the stories of actual criminals, who were arrested:

Long Beach police arrested two small, skinny men in October and charged them with stealing six 45 pound barbells from the Buffum-Downtown YMCA.
The men were struggling to keep the barbells in a small cart that kept tipping over because they were not strong enough to steer it.

Police in Poland have arrested a man for a series of raids in which he allegedly climbed into large parcels and mailed himself to businesses.
Stanislaw Muchy, 39, would then apparently climb out at night after the staff had left and burgle the premises.
He made his getaway by sealing both himself and his loot in another box addressed to his Warsaw home.
His scheme came to an end after he fell out with an accomplice, whose job was to deliver him to courier firms, who contacted police.
After being tipped off, police said: "We arranged a special delivery of our own."

[VANGUARD]

nice ones Techpro!

That memo was good, about reading the odd numbers; the Obama one i heard on TV, loved it . The ticket one was funny as well, and who can forget those classic church signs, lol!

I saw one about 5 minutes from my house that said "Jesus likes you." Likes, not loves?


I know two that are okay, lawyer ones.

"What do you call it when you see a lawyer with sand up to their neck? Not enough sand."

"A truck driver has this bad habit of opening the door while driving to knock down lawyers. Every time he sees one, he just has to veer off, open the door to knock the lawyer down while driving.
One day, he saw a pastor needing a lift somewhere, so he pulled over. He started to drive off when he came across another one. He started to veer close, but at the last second, he veered back. When passing, he heard a thump. He's thinking, did I hit him? "I didn't get that guy, did I?" He asked. "No," I pastor said, "I got him with the door."

[Kaiaatzl]

I have seen virtually everything Techpro posted in South Side Story (a newspaper from Ontario which is now delivered across Canada and the US)... I have to wonder if he's getting his jokes from there... and the quote about the weasel was posted at about the same time as the issue with it would have been delivered.

[Bettina]

This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest.   

Bee

[-<WillyP>-]

This isn't exactly a joke but some good laughs here: http://www.cakewrecks.com/

[Matthew]

This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest.   

Bee

Oh how true.

[-<WillyP>-]

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and then disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

    The bank manager looks back at her and says…

    “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack… Give the frog a loan… His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

    (You’re singing it, aren’t you?)