Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[TechPro]

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[-<WillyP>-]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just
served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones
de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am
so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only
one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be
sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned,
placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of
the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and
replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[-<WillyP>-]

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
      One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

      All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[-<WillyP>-]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[-<WillyP>-]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of
that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd
better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the
cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did
you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back
yard is right next to the football stadium parking
lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole
in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to
really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
'Why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind
the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers.'
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Eagle131]

WillyP!!!!! TechPro said to keep it clean!!!   

The Texan one has to be the funniest tho.

[-<WillyP>-]

What part is dirty?

[TechPro]

A memo to the Boss ...

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[TechPro]

During a recent password audit …

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a
blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[TechPro]

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

[D2Disciple]

Two street evangelists were in a quiet neighborhood, when they came upon a house with an elderly widow living there. The two evangelists began to share their faith politely with the lady, when they were rudely interrupted by the widow:

"You two young guns better leave my house! No loving God would ever take my husband's life three years ago when he was murdered! Get outta here, you two, or I'll call the cops!"

The two men stood there in shock and began to apologize. But, as they went on, they tried to console her that her husband's death could have been God's will because He wanted her husband there with Him in heaven. The lady was certainly unconvinced, and continued:

"I don't believe a word of it! Now get out of here, you two, before I go get my pistol out of the sewing machine drawer and give ya both something you'll never forget!"

She then reared back and slammed the door right in their faces. The door swung back open almost immediately.

She then gave it an especially good push, sure to make a point. The door bounced back even harder.

Convinced that the two men had their foot in the door, she stepped back and positioned herself to give that front door a slam that would break the hinges and be heard a half-mile away.

With a stunned look on his face, one of the men stepped back and quickly said, "Ma'am. We mean no harm... We'll leave, but before you slam that door again, you might want to move your cat."

 

[S13driftAZ]

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

[TechPro]

Lindsey Vonn had her gold medal taken away.

...

and they gave it to President Obama, since he's going down hill faster than she ever did
 

[Ronin RedFox]

Good one. 

[D2Disciple]

Lol at TechPro!

Ya know, it's great that this community is so chill that we can actually post a political joke and not start a flame war.